Saturday, June 23, 2012

Artist No Bra

So I saw this amazing video on YouTube on my phone and wanted to share it.

So I went to my laptop, opened YouTube and planned to type in "artist no eyes" to find the video. I got as far as:
artist no
And the predictive text in google assumed I wanted to fill it in with the word
Really? Theres not even anything good when you search "artist no bra", I mean why in the world would I find it alarming that a teenage cartoon girl would even need a bra in the first place??

Thursday, June 21, 2012


So today my husband asked me why I was talking so fast. About an hour later I thought of a comeback and said to him: Maybe I am not talking fast, maybe you are listening slow and I am offended you think everything is always my fault.

Then later I was explaining to my husband that I am speaking on this symposium and I had to proof the title slide to make sure my name was spelled correctly. It reads:
Noelle Matta CO 
I then informed my husband that I had emailed some people to ask them if I should correct the location and change it to:
Noelle Matta CO
I got some great advice that perhaps I should not go as broad as Canadia but make it more specific by stating I am a Newfie. Then it was further explained to me that Newfoundland (my homeland, of course, more on that in another edition) is kind of like the Arkansas of the USA. So this still does not help me, do I change my slide to:
Noelle Matta CO
Newfoundland (the Arkansas Canadia)

Oh it is so confusing. 

So I went on to explain to my husband that I think I like tea and not coffee because I am Canadian (or perhaps Canfie or Newdia trying to combine Newfie and Canadian) and since the Queen (Liz) rules over Canadia I must be influenced by her. Her then carried the laundry downstairs muttering that there is no queen of Canadia so I had to prove it to him and read him this website:

I then decided that I would like to become the queen of Canadia, or perhaps just Newfoundland and he did not believe I had it in me. That was offensive to me, as my husband shouldn't he have to support me in all my goals?

And then I went to the book store and some young no-good man came strolling out of the bathroom with a magazine in his hand mid paragraph and he totally put it back on the shelf and it just made me realize how most moments in life can be related back to a sinefeld episode that I do not use YouTube enough.

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Dear husband, I like all foods, its that simple

This is a recent letter to my husband that he asked me to write because I said I did not like melon and he found this surprising because one time 12 months ago he saw me take a bite of melon in Florida. Perhaps he did not want this level of detail but I want to make sure there was no confusion. I think the conversation went something like:
Me: Why did you get 2 melons? You know I do not like melons right?
husband: I have seen you eat melons before, what do you mean you do not like melon?
Me: Its like you don't even know me..
husband: why don't you make me a list of the foods you do not like then.

.........and this is what followed:

Dear husband,
You asked for a list of the foods I do not like so I am providing it. Please see the groups below, this is really all very simple.

Vegetables: I like all vegetables. 
Addendum: there are a few small exceptions to this group. I like tomatoes, but not always raw (except sometimes in salad and on hamburgers, sometimes). I like catchup and pasta sauce. I also sometimes like them with mozzarella and basil. I do not particularly care for the juicy slimy part but prefer the harder meatier part. 
Addendum: I am not sure I like beets. I generally avoid them and am happy doing so.
Addendum: Celery. you see this one time at a bar I bit into a piece of celery and the stringy things got stuck between my teeth and were sticking out and I had to walk across the bar to the bathroom to get them out and it was embarrassing, and I only ever really liked them drenched in blue cheese (see below) so now I just avoid them all together. 
Addendum: Peas and squash are OK, but I am not a big fan. 
Addendum: chickpea unless smashed into hummus and mixed with lots of garlic
Addendum: Asparagus is OK, but the side effects are annoying so I generally avoid it but not always. This leads me to once again wonder why this happens, so I looked it up and am attaching a link in case you also want to read more about urine. Turns out not everyone has this problem (which I did suspect after intensive research on the subject in my office), only special people with special genes so I am glad I fit into this superior category.
Addendum: Potato - I did have a potato phase thanks to my mother who only eats beige food but not a big fan anymore (unless covered in scallions, bacon, butter, sour cream, LOTS of salt, pepper and other yummy things which mask the bland starchy potato flavor).

Fruits: I like all fruits.
Addendum: blueberries are not very enjoyable unless mixed with other berries so they no longer have the blue flavor. And by mixed I mean in a blender not in a bowl so they are all still whole. 
Addendum: Melons are just blah. They seem like the filler fruit in the fruit salad that people put in there to save money from buying the expensive fancy fruit. 
Addendum: Not sure why grapefruit exists but I avoid them.
Addendum: I like apples but I have oral allergies and it makes my throat itch so I prefer them to be peeled or cooked. But if peeled you have to wash them really well because if you cut them the evil pollen and other gross things like pesticides will be pulled through the fruit defeating the purpose in the first place and I could DIE.
Addendum: pears are OK but I usually don't eat them, I feel similarly to plums and other such fruit. 
Addendum: I do not enjoy cherries. Perhaps if I could tie a cherry stem into a knot like my twin sister I would want to put more in my mouth, but the flavor does nothing for me, except for some cherry flavored cough drops but that hardly sounds as a fruit. 
Addendum: Coconut is gross, I hate the weird texture of it. That being said coconut water is good, as are pina colada's and other things containing alcohol. 

Nuts: I like all nuts.
Addendum: peanuts are my favorite, but they are not in the nut category they are actually a legume and should be eaten sparingly which makes me sad. Also, crunchy peanut butter is far superior to creamy, obviously. 
Addendum: Almonds taste terrible and I am allergic to them and could DIE. 
Addendum: Nutella is my favorite nut in this category.

Meats: I like all meats. 
Addendum: With beef I don't like it too chewy, but it has to be really well done, like nearly burnt. I prefer the filet I get that costs an arm and a leg at Stauffers or the beef kabobs I get at Texas Roadhouse, but I might really like their meat because I am intoxicated while eating it. 
Addendum: Cannot eat any meat if I see its head, see it in the form it was before it was dinner, see what I interpret as a vein in it, see anything which looks like blood, is fatty or you know when you bite into a piece of meat and you hit something hard and you don't know what it is? Well that REALLY freaks me out and usually makes me unable to go on……
Addendum: Really hate all lunch meats, but salami. 
Addendum: I only ate pigeon once when it was deep fried in china and I liked it, but I cannot really commit to that. 
Addendum: Not a big fan of gamy meats. 
Addendum: Will not eat any of the gross meats, such as testicles, coagulated blood, eyes, brains, etc. That is weird. 
Addendum: Ribs are gross. too fatty. Sometimes I think I like the ribs at JB Dawsons but I am mistaken.
Addendum: Dark meat is generally gross. Also meat off the bone is gross such as chicken wings. You never know when you will get a veiny stringy thing and then its all over I can't look at chicken for a week. 

Fish: I like all fish.
Addendum: while this is mostly true, shrimp and shellfish are not my favorite and I prefer a firm well cooked piece of fish to something more slimy and fishy tasting. So I like fish more, the less it tastes like fish. 

Beans: Yuck. 

Dairy: Makes me feel bad. Try not to eat it. I do like ice cream but it must be chocolate, or have a chocolate base. And you are to know that I will complain later that my stomach does not feel good. Milk is gross, unless it has ice cubes in it and is eaten with cake. 
Addendum: Do not generally care for cheese. I used to not like blue cheese, but now I like a little blue cheese crumbles on my salad, but prefer the small pieces and when there are only big pieces left in the container and cut them up into small pieces with a knife. I also like mild soft cheeses, especially if they are garlicy and mozzarella but not too much. 

Alcohol: I like all alcohol.
Addendum: I really do not like very hoppy beers.
Addendum: I do not like hard liquor unless the flavor of it is masked by fruity things. 
Addendum: Coconut rum rocks. 

Cake: Not a food group. Silly for you to think it was. But while we are here, as with ice cream I prefer a chocolate base with little icing, or no icing, or that whipped cream kind of icing. Do they make that in chocolate, oh I bet that would be good. I really like ice cream cake with the crunchy caramelly stuff in it. 

Popcorn: The best food group. You can mindlessly eat a lot of it and it is salty and buttery. I will tell you to not let me purchase it, and if you listen I will yell at you for trying to tell me what to do. When I do eat it I will later complain that I ate too much and do not feel good. You are just going to have to deal with it. And I will tell you to never let me get popcorn again and you should just go "uh-huh" half heartedly. 

Pizza: When I say "I want pizza with pineapple" that means "I want pizza with pineapple" (see meat section, cannot tolerate meats at pizza places except pepperoni because it obviously falls into the salami category). This does not mean "I want meat lovers pizza" and I will bring up said incident years later to help teach you a valuable life lesson.

Icky foods that fit in no category because they are not real food: Brussel sprouts, okra and other things I will think of later and be annoyed because you are not already aware of them.

So it is simple. I pretty much like all foods and I do not know why you act like I am so complicated.


Tuesday, June 19, 2012

What is wrong with ice cream

As I sit here enjoying a nice root beer float for breakfast, I cannot help but wonder,why does the ice cream make the root beer foam so much and what can I do reduce the amount of foam so I can get an appropriate ice cream to root beer ratio in my glass? I quickly discovered that you need to add the ice cream first to prevent embarrassing root beer foam overflow. My current method is to put in the ice cream, pour in the root beer and suck off the foam on top to enable myself to add more root beer but it is very time consuming and I would like to enjoy my root beer float much quicker.

And I have a follow up question. Why do people even like vanilla ice cream (outside of the obvious root beer float of course)? To me vanilla ice cream is just so, well, vanilla. If I am in dire need of ice cream and only have access to vanilla I will endure eating it, but I will only eat it if I can cover it with chocolate sauce, nuts, peanut butter sauce and other non-vanilla flavors to mask the flavor of the vanilla, thus really only using the vanilla "ice cream" as a conduit for the toppings rather than for the ice cream itself.

And this makes me think of another follow up question. I was recently married (please see attached photo for your viewing pleasure). Our marriage is wonderful but we disagree about one very important issue and I am not sure how to work through it. My husband (so weird calling him that……) is an engineer for turkey hill
I am pretty sure he just sits around making and eating ice cream all day, but he tells me he does stuff with machines. Anyway, he of course is fiercely loyal to his company and feels they have the best ice cream in the world. I much prefer the rich, decadent, cannot purchase very often creamery ice cream from Penn State
I mean come on, you walk into the store and some perky college girl asks you (as you purchase a gallon of the BEST strawberry ice cream which makes no sense since you are chocolate kind of girl but it is just SO GOOD!) how long your drive home is. To a newbie you might think she is just making conversation but to the experienced creamery shopper you know that she is calculating (she must be one of those weird statistics students) how much dry ice to provide you to keep your frozen treat fresh and icy cold your whole drive home (for me about 2 hours). You may be further amazed to realize that there is still dry ice in the bag when you arrive home, probably because miss perky college student calculated bathroom breaks, stops at chic boutiques, cow crossing (I do live in Lancaster Pa) and getting lost (I did just get some blonde highlights added to my hair) to further ensure that nothing could ruin my ice cream experience in the comfort of my own house (please note I write this in my PJ's on the couch while enjoying said ice cream float from 3 paragraphs ago while my husband (said it again, still weird) is outside doing something manly because thats what marriage is about right? and now I have lost track of when to close my parentheses………

<< 2 days later >>

Oh no…..things have taken a turn for the worse.

So last night my husband asked me if I wanted a root beer float, and like a normal person I said yes. I CLEARLY stated that I wanted some ice cream in a glass that was not too tall as to lose a spoon in, and that he should put the ice cream in first so he did not have a foam disaster and that I wanted my ice cream smashed with a spoon so it mixed with the root beer and I could have nice cold root beer sips with a tinge of vanilla bean ice cream flavor. I am not high maintenance, I am just a girl that knows what she wants. 

Well my "engineer" husband who has WAY too much time on his hands goes into the kitchen and I hear weird noises. I ignore them as I am too lazy to get up off the couch after working all day in my real job but soon piece together what is happening when I see a disastrous "root beer" float emerge from the kitchen. He thought it would be wise to take a 1/2 gallon of ice cream and blend it up in that thing we have thats like a magic bullet but without its own commercial and mix in a little root beer. 

He totally screwed up the ratios and gave me an unpleasant evening as I am lactose intolerant and should not be eating that much dairy but I did anyway because if I did not drink it he would and why should he get to have all the fun even if he screwed it up.


Is this marriage going to last?

Now tonight I am supervising him making dinner and had to explain to him that it was silly for him to buy 2 melons when I do not even like melon and he was all like well one time I saw you eat it somewhere and maybe you should write me a list of what you do not like and that is what I will do next… I wait for him to finish cooking me dinner.