Wednesday, August 8, 2012

My thoughts on zumba…….or how to make a white girl finally realize she cannot dance

So it all starts with an innocent class at the gym. There is a peppy instructor wearing brightly colored clothing and a hoard of loyal followers of all ages, races and sizes which helps stir a sense of confidence in you. If the old lady with the grey hair can handle this class I certainly can do it without a problem! Then it begins. Crazy, dance club music with very little talking. The instructor starts shaking her stuff and everyone just instinctively follows her lead, as if they are all her little robot back up dancers there to make you look bad. Suddenly the instructor starts gyrating her hips and you gape and the old grey haired ladies are gyrating right along with her. Suddenly you wonder if you are in one of those pole dancing classes you always kind of wanted to try but never signed up for. By the end of class you wonder how you ever kept up at dance clubs as long ago as last weekend, and then suddenly realize you are taking this class SOBER and wonder if these dance moves are how you look on a Saturday night, except a little wobblier when not at the gym. I believe if someone had explained these moves to me in terms I understood before entering the class I would have done MUCH better so here is a breakdown for those of you who are not Zumba experts yet.

The Suffle - this is when you move side to side so as not to look like you are standing still in a group exercise class. This is a great filler move when you have no idea what the heck is going on.

Swatting the flies - this is an arm move where you frantically swat at pretend gnats around your head. Help gets your heart rate up and should be an easy move for anyone to do who spends much time outside……with gnats.

Have sex standing up - To do this move you stand with your feet slightly apart and your knees slightly bent. You thrust your hips forward and back, the faster the better. Good practice if you want to get in better shape to have more sex while standing. 

Leg up and spin - This is a complex move where you lift up your right leg (kind of like your saying "Hey good looking, want to have sex standing up" but then you start to hop on your left foot in a half circle as if saying "psych!". You alternate sides until you fall over or until the rest of the class starts doing something else. 

Shooing away the demons - In this move you flair your arms open and closed while moving left, then right as if shooing away demos that are coming to your left, then right, then left, then right. Also works nicely in a club if trying to keep skanky women away from your man. 

Hip Roll - This move is thrown in often and may be that thing the instructor does when she does not remember what move comes next but wants to make you keep moving. Good move to use in a club if you want men to think you are easy (but not so easy you would have sex with them right then and there while standing).

Spinning in a circle - This is a move to prove to those people standing in the back of the class that just because they are in the back does not mean the whole class cannot turn around and look at their bad dance moves. The instructor throws this in periodically if you are in the back row and appear to be slacking off. 

Boob press - In this move you pump your firsts over your boobs, then out, then back again. Its a nice way to draw attention to your boobs if they are not very big and you want to make sure men are looking at them enough. 

With these basic moves most anyone can get through a Zumba class. You may still feel like a white girl with no rhythm but at least you might not break a hip.