Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Curly hair is complicated, but Justin it is OK to be straight

Last night, I had a TRAUMATIC experience. So I wonder into Sephora. I had gotten their deluxe sample package of hair products a few weeks ago and was in LOVE with one of the products. It was in this small brown spray bottle and was some type of oil you sprayed into your hair when it was dry, helping revive your curls and get rid of frizz. I walked into the store with my friend (or who I thought was my friend) and we began to look for it. A very nice, flamboyantly bald (should have been my first clue) gay man asks if he can help me. 

I describe what I am looking for and he asks me to sit in a lounge chair (should have been my second clue) and wait for him. I decline and my friend (or so I thought) and I continued to search while Justin finished helping another customer. Not finding my product he eventually comes back over to me and offers to get me my product. He bolts around the store grabbing random hair products (should have been my 3rd clue) and makes me sit on a stool, but on the stool not in front of the mirror (should have been my 4th clue). At this point my former friend is no where to be seen leaving me to fend of the wanna be bald hair dresser myself. Justin sprays some vitamin crap in my hair and then begins to FINGER COMB MY DRY HAIR! (should have been my 5th clue). As he is finger combing it, tugging out clumps of hair, the curly tendrils are all tangled up in his fingers but he is oblivious. He then sprays some of this, some of that, then he douses my hair with dry shampoo, HALF A CAN (should have been my 6th clue). He then douses my hair with HALF A CAN OF VOLUMIZING HAIR SPRAY! (should have been my 7th clue, and why doesn't my spell check recognize the word volumizing, I am not spelling it wrong, google agrees with me). WHO USES VOLUMIZING HAIR SPRAY ON CURLY HAIR?!?!?! (please keep in mind that had I not already had a plan in place to wash my hair the next morning and was mildly amused by this bald creature or I would have stopped this long ago, but I was hopeful, who doesn't want a new fabulous hair product that will finally get rid of the frizz??). Justin then proceeds to tell me I am looking like Mariah Carey (he clearly has never seen a picture of Mariah). 

I ask him where the product was that I was looking for (isn't that why I am sitting here going through this) and he grabs some random bottle off his counter and sprays it in. I tell him it is not what I am looking for and he says this is better (which it is NOT). He then stands me up and holds a mirror out for me to look into (too bad he is holding it at an angle where all I can see is the floor). I catch a glimpse of myself and I now have an afro. I explain that I want him to show me where the product is I am looking for and he tells me I must have purchased it at another store! WHAT??? I KNOW I got that product recently in THIS Sephora in my deluxe product bag.

He just shrugs and wonders off. Mariah Carey has good hair, this my friend is no Mariah Carey hair. 

I leave thankful I have a rubber band handy purchasing nothing, but later finding the product I was looking for online and glad to know that of course Justin was wrong, I was right and proving that flamboyant Justin MUST be a closet straight man. A real gay man would never make a women look like that………I wonder if I can stage an intervention for him. "Justin, it is OK. We know you are straight. It is OK for a man to be attracted to a women and to not understand women's hair. It is obvious you had to shave your head when you accidentally screwed up your own hair beyond repair."

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

My thoughts on zumba…….or how to make a white girl finally realize she cannot dance

So it all starts with an innocent class at the gym. There is a peppy instructor wearing brightly colored clothing and a hoard of loyal followers of all ages, races and sizes which helps stir a sense of confidence in you. If the old lady with the grey hair can handle this class I certainly can do it without a problem! Then it begins. Crazy, dance club music with very little talking. The instructor starts shaking her stuff and everyone just instinctively follows her lead, as if they are all her little robot back up dancers there to make you look bad. Suddenly the instructor starts gyrating her hips and you gape and the old grey haired ladies are gyrating right along with her. Suddenly you wonder if you are in one of those pole dancing classes you always kind of wanted to try but never signed up for. By the end of class you wonder how you ever kept up at dance clubs as long ago as last weekend, and then suddenly realize you are taking this class SOBER and wonder if these dance moves are how you look on a Saturday night, except a little wobblier when not at the gym. I believe if someone had explained these moves to me in terms I understood before entering the class I would have done MUCH better so here is a breakdown for those of you who are not Zumba experts yet.

The Suffle - this is when you move side to side so as not to look like you are standing still in a group exercise class. This is a great filler move when you have no idea what the heck is going on.

Swatting the flies - this is an arm move where you frantically swat at pretend gnats around your head. Help gets your heart rate up and should be an easy move for anyone to do who spends much time outside……with gnats.

Have sex standing up - To do this move you stand with your feet slightly apart and your knees slightly bent. You thrust your hips forward and back, the faster the better. Good practice if you want to get in better shape to have more sex while standing. 

Leg up and spin - This is a complex move where you lift up your right leg (kind of like your saying "Hey good looking, want to have sex standing up" but then you start to hop on your left foot in a half circle as if saying "psych!". You alternate sides until you fall over or until the rest of the class starts doing something else. 

Shooing away the demons - In this move you flair your arms open and closed while moving left, then right as if shooing away demos that are coming to your left, then right, then left, then right. Also works nicely in a club if trying to keep skanky women away from your man. 

Hip Roll - This move is thrown in often and may be that thing the instructor does when she does not remember what move comes next but wants to make you keep moving. Good move to use in a club if you want men to think you are easy (but not so easy you would have sex with them right then and there while standing).

Spinning in a circle - This is a move to prove to those people standing in the back of the class that just because they are in the back does not mean the whole class cannot turn around and look at their bad dance moves. The instructor throws this in periodically if you are in the back row and appear to be slacking off. 

Boob press - In this move you pump your firsts over your boobs, then out, then back again. Its a nice way to draw attention to your boobs if they are not very big and you want to make sure men are looking at them enough. 

With these basic moves most anyone can get through a Zumba class. You may still feel like a white girl with no rhythm but at least you might not break a hip.

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Should these things piss me, or just when I have PMS, or doesn't it matter?

  • When my husband paints……but did not ask me to OK the shade of white he picked.

  • That people thing white has different shades for that matter. I mean SERIOUSLY?!?! Dark white, light white, tan white, linen white, what the hell? Why are people so afraid of color?

  • When my pants suddenly get tighter. I know I am not getting larger so how the hell are they getting smaller when all they are doing is hanging out in my closet waiting for me to put them on? Maybe I should not keep my work pants next to my sexy skinny going out pants, maybe the sexy pants are a bad influence. 

  • When people put their feet on pillows. That is where my HEAD goes, and I sure as hell don't want my head near your smelly feet. 

  • When fat people are in the olympics. Oh, you don't believe me? check out this website, I will wait…..
SERIOUSLY! That guy with the glasses looks like this is his only social activity (which I gotta say is not terrible, and maybe saying he is an olympian will get him laid). These people do not look like they are in the best shape of their life. Well, ok, maybe they are in the best shape of THEIR life, but compared to the real athletes who are women why are so buff they no longer have boobs they have a LONG way to go. How do I get involved in this "sport"?

  • Going to victoria secret really pisses me off. I really do not think this one is PMS. I mean you walk in and are accosted by way too perky women (though today also by a man who I do not think was working their to pick up chicks if you know what I mean, not that there is anything wrong with that…..). Every damn sales associate (or as I like to call the poor sorority girls who need to work to support their pill popping vodka drinking weight loss plan) have to check on you every 2 minutes. I mean REALLY??? Do they think that I have never shopped for underwear before? Or that their underwear is SO complicated that I need special help picking it out? If it is really that complicated I do not want it. Oh and the tape measures, they are always running around with their tape measures attacking you and trying to feel your boobs. Do I look that horrible that it can clearly be seen through my clothing that I totally am wearing the wrong bra and their magical tape measure will transform me into a new women? And what the hell is up with this outfit, what is the belt(?) for? To squeeze in your fat? How is that even sexy?

  • When my husband wants me to go to the store with him to just stand there and look pretty. Listen, if I do not want anything from that store and I do not feel like shopping why the hell do you to drag me with you to twiddly my thumbs when I have far better things to do. Don't you know I will get pissy later and many other seemingly stupid things you do will just piss me off? 

Sunday, July 15, 2012

The rat dog, the russian and the hawaiian shirt.

So we arrive to visit the brother in law and his wife (hence forth known as the russian) to their new house. There is no tour, no how are you, its right to sitting down and eating lunch. Lunch consists of dill chicken (OK so far), salad with vegetables in it (ok, except much of the vegetables were turning brown) and loose dill in the salad (OK that is odd). Then there was an orzo salad with a mexican twist, including cheese and tomatoes (hmm….not sure how the dill fits in with the mexican but OK) and there is dill in the orzo salad! Who the hell does that?!

At dinner of course the dog has to be there (hence forth known as the rat dog) so doggie treats are kept on the plate with the russians people food and she periodically feeds the dog to get him to be quiet. Then daddy picks up the rat dog and feeds it some mexican orzo with dill from his hands, and eats what the rat dog does not finish (yuck! why not just french the damn dog?!). We finally get a tour and I cannot help but notice how much of the art work consists of post cards. I can tell they are post cards because the russian quickly informs me, and the post card type writing also gives it away. Then I notice the lovely bedroom furniture, but the bed is just a mattress on the floor. I say how I bet they cannot wait to get a nice bed and the russian informs me that she prefers it that way. (Jen, did I mention she is a RED head now, trying to be like you I think). Later on in the tour I notice a lovely sleigh bed frame in the basement, but heaven forbid that go in the bedroom when someone could instead sleep on a mattress in the middle of the room. 

We are then informed by the russian that she cannot entertain us so we must all leave the nice new comfortable air conditioned house and head to the river. The husband is dressed in a very fancy outfit of brown shoes (slightly lighter colored than poo, but darker than tan), white socks which stick up enough so you can really see the contrast, black shorts (and not faded black, brand new really dark black) and a hawaiian shirt. He obtain this shirt by barking at the russian to go upstairs and get him his hawaiian shirt from the closet. She of course jumped to it and came back with a shirt that was not the correct hawaiian shirt (like the rest of us she must have assumed most men living in West Virginia would have at most 1 hawaiian shirt). Please note the first shirt would not work because he is too fat for it. She scurries back upstairs and gets 2 more shirts. What amazed me was how wrinkled a shirt can get when stored on a hanger in a half empty closet. He chooses a hawaiian shirt to match his black shorts, brown shoes and white sock and we depart. 

Please note, I am wearing a DRESS. I am wearing nice fancy bedazzled flip flops, which of course have no traction. The husband explains that there are a few places to park, some are close to where we are going and some require a short walk. I proclaim that I am MORE than happy to pay the fee to park close because I am wearing a freaking DRESS and bedazzled shoes with no traction. So he decides to park as far away as possible. Getting to our final destination involved hiking up a steep hill of rocks, crossing 2 railroads tracks, hiking down 2 steep cliffs of ricks and then hiking 1.5 miles down a dirt and rock trail apparently only utilized by people on bicycles until we reach a bridge we have to climb up, walk across and then climb down. It had not occurred to the husband or the russian that, while I might normally be more than happy go for a hike when its 100 degrees, today I am in a freaking DRESS wearing bedazzled shoes with no traction and perhaps I would rather spend the $2 (yes, I confirmed the price) to park. On our way back he pointed out how horrible the traffic would have been had we parked closer to the town (traffic going 25 mph instead of the posted 35 mph) and I pointed out that they were still moving faster than us and had AC. He did not seem to understand my point. 

When we reached the town we first stopped at a restaurant for a drink, which turned into dinner. I ordered a crab cake sandwich on a pretzel bun with a side of fresh strawberries and instead got a "Krab" fishy tasting sandwich on a regular bun with rotten strawberries that could not be salvaged. Sigh. I said I wanted to stop and get ice cream and go to the life is good store (I needed a boost of happiness in my day) and that request went ignored. When the husband put down his credit card on the bill (with no mention to us of splitting it) my husband (perhaps inappropriately) asked if he was going to get dinner for everyone (bill could not have been more than $30 including beers) and he looked at him and laughed and said "what, do I look like I am rich?!?!". 

How did I get talked into this day trip again?

Saturday, June 23, 2012

Artist No Bra

So I saw this amazing video on YouTube on my phone and wanted to share it.

So I went to my laptop, opened YouTube and planned to type in "artist no eyes" to find the video. I got as far as:
artist no
And the predictive text in google assumed I wanted to fill it in with the word
Really? Theres not even anything good when you search "artist no bra", I mean why in the world would I find it alarming that a teenage cartoon girl would even need a bra in the first place??

Thursday, June 21, 2012


So today my husband asked me why I was talking so fast. About an hour later I thought of a comeback and said to him: Maybe I am not talking fast, maybe you are listening slow and I am offended you think everything is always my fault.

Then later I was explaining to my husband that I am speaking on this symposium and I had to proof the title slide to make sure my name was spelled correctly. It reads:
Noelle Matta CO 
I then informed my husband that I had emailed some people to ask them if I should correct the location and change it to:
Noelle Matta CO
I got some great advice that perhaps I should not go as broad as Canadia but make it more specific by stating I am a Newfie. Then it was further explained to me that Newfoundland (my homeland, of course, more on that in another edition) is kind of like the Arkansas of the USA. So this still does not help me, do I change my slide to:
Noelle Matta CO
Newfoundland (the Arkansas Canadia)

Oh it is so confusing. 

So I went on to explain to my husband that I think I like tea and not coffee because I am Canadian (or perhaps Canfie or Newdia trying to combine Newfie and Canadian) and since the Queen (Liz) rules over Canadia I must be influenced by her. Her then carried the laundry downstairs muttering that there is no queen of Canadia so I had to prove it to him and read him this website:

I then decided that I would like to become the queen of Canadia, or perhaps just Newfoundland and he did not believe I had it in me. That was offensive to me, as my husband shouldn't he have to support me in all my goals?

And then I went to the book store and some young no-good man came strolling out of the bathroom with a magazine in his hand mid paragraph and he totally put it back on the shelf and it just made me realize how most moments in life can be related back to a sinefeld episode that I do not use YouTube enough.

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Dear husband, I like all foods, its that simple

This is a recent letter to my husband that he asked me to write because I said I did not like melon and he found this surprising because one time 12 months ago he saw me take a bite of melon in Florida. Perhaps he did not want this level of detail but I want to make sure there was no confusion. I think the conversation went something like:
Me: Why did you get 2 melons? You know I do not like melons right?
husband: I have seen you eat melons before, what do you mean you do not like melon?
Me: Its like you don't even know me..
husband: why don't you make me a list of the foods you do not like then.

.........and this is what followed:

Dear husband,
You asked for a list of the foods I do not like so I am providing it. Please see the groups below, this is really all very simple.

Vegetables: I like all vegetables. 
Addendum: there are a few small exceptions to this group. I like tomatoes, but not always raw (except sometimes in salad and on hamburgers, sometimes). I like catchup and pasta sauce. I also sometimes like them with mozzarella and basil. I do not particularly care for the juicy slimy part but prefer the harder meatier part. 
Addendum: I am not sure I like beets. I generally avoid them and am happy doing so.
Addendum: Celery. you see this one time at a bar I bit into a piece of celery and the stringy things got stuck between my teeth and were sticking out and I had to walk across the bar to the bathroom to get them out and it was embarrassing, and I only ever really liked them drenched in blue cheese (see below) so now I just avoid them all together. 
Addendum: Peas and squash are OK, but I am not a big fan. 
Addendum: chickpea unless smashed into hummus and mixed with lots of garlic
Addendum: Asparagus is OK, but the side effects are annoying so I generally avoid it but not always. This leads me to once again wonder why this happens, so I looked it up and am attaching a link in case you also want to read more about urine. Turns out not everyone has this problem (which I did suspect after intensive research on the subject in my office), only special people with special genes so I am glad I fit into this superior category.
Addendum: Potato - I did have a potato phase thanks to my mother who only eats beige food but not a big fan anymore (unless covered in scallions, bacon, butter, sour cream, LOTS of salt, pepper and other yummy things which mask the bland starchy potato flavor).

Fruits: I like all fruits.
Addendum: blueberries are not very enjoyable unless mixed with other berries so they no longer have the blue flavor. And by mixed I mean in a blender not in a bowl so they are all still whole. 
Addendum: Melons are just blah. They seem like the filler fruit in the fruit salad that people put in there to save money from buying the expensive fancy fruit. 
Addendum: Not sure why grapefruit exists but I avoid them.
Addendum: I like apples but I have oral allergies and it makes my throat itch so I prefer them to be peeled or cooked. But if peeled you have to wash them really well because if you cut them the evil pollen and other gross things like pesticides will be pulled through the fruit defeating the purpose in the first place and I could DIE.
Addendum: pears are OK but I usually don't eat them, I feel similarly to plums and other such fruit. 
Addendum: I do not enjoy cherries. Perhaps if I could tie a cherry stem into a knot like my twin sister I would want to put more in my mouth, but the flavor does nothing for me, except for some cherry flavored cough drops but that hardly sounds as a fruit. 
Addendum: Coconut is gross, I hate the weird texture of it. That being said coconut water is good, as are pina colada's and other things containing alcohol. 

Nuts: I like all nuts.
Addendum: peanuts are my favorite, but they are not in the nut category they are actually a legume and should be eaten sparingly which makes me sad. Also, crunchy peanut butter is far superior to creamy, obviously. 
Addendum: Almonds taste terrible and I am allergic to them and could DIE. 
Addendum: Nutella is my favorite nut in this category.

Meats: I like all meats. 
Addendum: With beef I don't like it too chewy, but it has to be really well done, like nearly burnt. I prefer the filet I get that costs an arm and a leg at Stauffers or the beef kabobs I get at Texas Roadhouse, but I might really like their meat because I am intoxicated while eating it. 
Addendum: Cannot eat any meat if I see its head, see it in the form it was before it was dinner, see what I interpret as a vein in it, see anything which looks like blood, is fatty or you know when you bite into a piece of meat and you hit something hard and you don't know what it is? Well that REALLY freaks me out and usually makes me unable to go on……
Addendum: Really hate all lunch meats, but salami. 
Addendum: I only ate pigeon once when it was deep fried in china and I liked it, but I cannot really commit to that. 
Addendum: Not a big fan of gamy meats. 
Addendum: Will not eat any of the gross meats, such as testicles, coagulated blood, eyes, brains, etc. That is weird. 
Addendum: Ribs are gross. too fatty. Sometimes I think I like the ribs at JB Dawsons but I am mistaken.
Addendum: Dark meat is generally gross. Also meat off the bone is gross such as chicken wings. You never know when you will get a veiny stringy thing and then its all over I can't look at chicken for a week. 

Fish: I like all fish.
Addendum: while this is mostly true, shrimp and shellfish are not my favorite and I prefer a firm well cooked piece of fish to something more slimy and fishy tasting. So I like fish more, the less it tastes like fish. 

Beans: Yuck. 

Dairy: Makes me feel bad. Try not to eat it. I do like ice cream but it must be chocolate, or have a chocolate base. And you are to know that I will complain later that my stomach does not feel good. Milk is gross, unless it has ice cubes in it and is eaten with cake. 
Addendum: Do not generally care for cheese. I used to not like blue cheese, but now I like a little blue cheese crumbles on my salad, but prefer the small pieces and when there are only big pieces left in the container and cut them up into small pieces with a knife. I also like mild soft cheeses, especially if they are garlicy and mozzarella but not too much. 

Alcohol: I like all alcohol.
Addendum: I really do not like very hoppy beers.
Addendum: I do not like hard liquor unless the flavor of it is masked by fruity things. 
Addendum: Coconut rum rocks. 

Cake: Not a food group. Silly for you to think it was. But while we are here, as with ice cream I prefer a chocolate base with little icing, or no icing, or that whipped cream kind of icing. Do they make that in chocolate, oh I bet that would be good. I really like ice cream cake with the crunchy caramelly stuff in it. 

Popcorn: The best food group. You can mindlessly eat a lot of it and it is salty and buttery. I will tell you to not let me purchase it, and if you listen I will yell at you for trying to tell me what to do. When I do eat it I will later complain that I ate too much and do not feel good. You are just going to have to deal with it. And I will tell you to never let me get popcorn again and you should just go "uh-huh" half heartedly. 

Pizza: When I say "I want pizza with pineapple" that means "I want pizza with pineapple" (see meat section, cannot tolerate meats at pizza places except pepperoni because it obviously falls into the salami category). This does not mean "I want meat lovers pizza" and I will bring up said incident years later to help teach you a valuable life lesson.

Icky foods that fit in no category because they are not real food: Brussel sprouts, okra and other things I will think of later and be annoyed because you are not already aware of them.

So it is simple. I pretty much like all foods and I do not know why you act like I am so complicated.