Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Dear husband, I like all foods, its that simple

This is a recent letter to my husband that he asked me to write because I said I did not like melon and he found this surprising because one time 12 months ago he saw me take a bite of melon in Florida. Perhaps he did not want this level of detail but I want to make sure there was no confusion. I think the conversation went something like:
Me: Why did you get 2 melons? You know I do not like melons right?
husband: I have seen you eat melons before, what do you mean you do not like melon?
Me: Its like you don't even know me..
husband: why don't you make me a list of the foods you do not like then.

.........and this is what followed:

Dear husband,
You asked for a list of the foods I do not like so I am providing it. Please see the groups below, this is really all very simple.

Vegetables: I like all vegetables. 
Addendum: there are a few small exceptions to this group. I like tomatoes, but not always raw (except sometimes in salad and on hamburgers, sometimes). I like catchup and pasta sauce. I also sometimes like them with mozzarella and basil. I do not particularly care for the juicy slimy part but prefer the harder meatier part. 
Addendum: I am not sure I like beets. I generally avoid them and am happy doing so.
Addendum: Celery. you see this one time at a bar I bit into a piece of celery and the stringy things got stuck between my teeth and were sticking out and I had to walk across the bar to the bathroom to get them out and it was embarrassing, and I only ever really liked them drenched in blue cheese (see below) so now I just avoid them all together. 
Addendum: Peas and squash are OK, but I am not a big fan. 
Addendum: chickpea unless smashed into hummus and mixed with lots of garlic
Addendum: Asparagus is OK, but the side effects are annoying so I generally avoid it but not always. This leads me to once again wonder why this happens, so I looked it up and am attaching a link in case you also want to read more about urine. Turns out not everyone has this problem (which I did suspect after intensive research on the subject in my office), only special people with special genes so I am glad I fit into this superior category.
Addendum: Potato - I did have a potato phase thanks to my mother who only eats beige food but not a big fan anymore (unless covered in scallions, bacon, butter, sour cream, LOTS of salt, pepper and other yummy things which mask the bland starchy potato flavor).

Fruits: I like all fruits.
Addendum: blueberries are not very enjoyable unless mixed with other berries so they no longer have the blue flavor. And by mixed I mean in a blender not in a bowl so they are all still whole. 
Addendum: Melons are just blah. They seem like the filler fruit in the fruit salad that people put in there to save money from buying the expensive fancy fruit. 
Addendum: Not sure why grapefruit exists but I avoid them.
Addendum: I like apples but I have oral allergies and it makes my throat itch so I prefer them to be peeled or cooked. But if peeled you have to wash them really well because if you cut them the evil pollen and other gross things like pesticides will be pulled through the fruit defeating the purpose in the first place and I could DIE.
Addendum: pears are OK but I usually don't eat them, I feel similarly to plums and other such fruit. 
Addendum: I do not enjoy cherries. Perhaps if I could tie a cherry stem into a knot like my twin sister I would want to put more in my mouth, but the flavor does nothing for me, except for some cherry flavored cough drops but that hardly sounds as a fruit. 
Addendum: Coconut is gross, I hate the weird texture of it. That being said coconut water is good, as are pina colada's and other things containing alcohol. 

Nuts: I like all nuts.
Addendum: peanuts are my favorite, but they are not in the nut category they are actually a legume and should be eaten sparingly which makes me sad. Also, crunchy peanut butter is far superior to creamy, obviously. 
Addendum: Almonds taste terrible and I am allergic to them and could DIE. 
Addendum: Nutella is my favorite nut in this category.

Meats: I like all meats. 
Addendum: With beef I don't like it too chewy, but it has to be really well done, like nearly burnt. I prefer the filet I get that costs an arm and a leg at Stauffers or the beef kabobs I get at Texas Roadhouse, but I might really like their meat because I am intoxicated while eating it. 
Addendum: Cannot eat any meat if I see its head, see it in the form it was before it was dinner, see what I interpret as a vein in it, see anything which looks like blood, is fatty or you know when you bite into a piece of meat and you hit something hard and you don't know what it is? Well that REALLY freaks me out and usually makes me unable to go on……
Addendum: Really hate all lunch meats, but salami. 
Addendum: I only ate pigeon once when it was deep fried in china and I liked it, but I cannot really commit to that. 
Addendum: Not a big fan of gamy meats. 
Addendum: Will not eat any of the gross meats, such as testicles, coagulated blood, eyes, brains, etc. That is weird. 
Addendum: Ribs are gross. too fatty. Sometimes I think I like the ribs at JB Dawsons but I am mistaken.
Addendum: Dark meat is generally gross. Also meat off the bone is gross such as chicken wings. You never know when you will get a veiny stringy thing and then its all over I can't look at chicken for a week. 

Fish: I like all fish.
Addendum: while this is mostly true, shrimp and shellfish are not my favorite and I prefer a firm well cooked piece of fish to something more slimy and fishy tasting. So I like fish more, the less it tastes like fish. 

Beans: Yuck. 

Dairy: Makes me feel bad. Try not to eat it. I do like ice cream but it must be chocolate, or have a chocolate base. And you are to know that I will complain later that my stomach does not feel good. Milk is gross, unless it has ice cubes in it and is eaten with cake. 
Addendum: Do not generally care for cheese. I used to not like blue cheese, but now I like a little blue cheese crumbles on my salad, but prefer the small pieces and when there are only big pieces left in the container and cut them up into small pieces with a knife. I also like mild soft cheeses, especially if they are garlicy and mozzarella but not too much. 

Alcohol: I like all alcohol.
Addendum: I really do not like very hoppy beers.
Addendum: I do not like hard liquor unless the flavor of it is masked by fruity things. 
Addendum: Coconut rum rocks. 

Cake: Not a food group. Silly for you to think it was. But while we are here, as with ice cream I prefer a chocolate base with little icing, or no icing, or that whipped cream kind of icing. Do they make that in chocolate, oh I bet that would be good. I really like ice cream cake with the crunchy caramelly stuff in it. 

Popcorn: The best food group. You can mindlessly eat a lot of it and it is salty and buttery. I will tell you to not let me purchase it, and if you listen I will yell at you for trying to tell me what to do. When I do eat it I will later complain that I ate too much and do not feel good. You are just going to have to deal with it. And I will tell you to never let me get popcorn again and you should just go "uh-huh" half heartedly. 

Pizza: When I say "I want pizza with pineapple" that means "I want pizza with pineapple" (see meat section, cannot tolerate meats at pizza places except pepperoni because it obviously falls into the salami category). This does not mean "I want meat lovers pizza" and I will bring up said incident years later to help teach you a valuable life lesson.

Icky foods that fit in no category because they are not real food: Brussel sprouts, okra and other things I will think of later and be annoyed because you are not already aware of them.

So it is simple. I pretty much like all foods and I do not know why you act like I am so complicated.


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